I was thinking tonight. I'm for the most part alone in the world. I have no close group of friends that I see often. I only see my best friend once a month. I force myself to be cold to other's problems and feelings. I say that I don't want friends. I tell myself that it has always been this way. I live out the lives of fictional characters with no life of my own. My life and personality is a show for the people. I can be painfully stupid of brilliantly smart, but who am I really? Am I John, the wanna be pimp with 2 colored hair? Am I John, the obsessive and calculating scientist? Or am I John, the hopeless romantic who never finds love. I don't know who I am any more. I force myself to keep a distance from mankind, in fear that they will not accept me. I force my left to give up friends and live my live alone in this room, never really "living", just "existing". What are my plans for my life? I go to college now, but I go b/c my father says that it is what I must do. I only know fragments of what and who I am. Parts of my personality that never change no matter what act I put on. As of now, all I can put together is that I'm John, a lonely child living in a young man's body. I want the companionship that friends bring but fear what such a change will do. I fear change, but everything changes. But there are some things in my life that I have forced to be the same. I am lonely. I shut my self to most people. Not emotionally...I can pour my guts out to someone with no problem...but I shut them out by keeping them out of my life at home. I don't go anywhere unless I have to. I stopped going to amusement parks, I no longer have any function in a social society. I'm a hermit, and I tell myself and others that it's what I want. I want to be alone where everything is predictable. In my room, nothing has changed. I have toys that I still play with. I love transformers. When I watch television, I watch cartoons. I want friends. I know that know, but I still fear the change. I've always seen the act of showing compassion as weakness. To open yourself to others is to open yourself to imminent pain. People leave. Friends leave. Girlfriends leave. I've always been rather envious of people who are in long lasting relationships. I see how happy they are, and I want it. Every relationship I’ve ever been in has ended in failure. I open myself to one girl, how I hope can understand me. Someone I can show affection towards. Someone I can do everything in my power to make happy. It never works. I tried to spread it to a group of fond acquaintances that I called “friends”. I gave out expensive gifts, affection, caring, any comfort or happiness I could give to them was worth more than all the money I had. Where are these “friends” now? Not with me. I haven’t seen most of them in months. No one calls. No one visits. No one emails me. It was a waste if money and left me with more hurt than when I started. I want love. I don’t get much of it here. My mother and I hate each other, and my dad, event though he loves me is always fighting with me over the way I am. I want people who will accept me for who I am. I want people who will make me happy and who I can feel happy around. I want someone I can hold close to me and feel their warmth. Is that so much to ask? I just want someone who won’t just up and leave. I act like I’m all high and mighty. I act like life is great because I have money. Money can buy happiness…but not true happiness. Money buys distractions, things to keep my mind off of my loneliness. But the depression always comes back. I am John, the guy who never lived. John, the pathetic creature who wasted his childhood. John, the coward. John, the lonely. John, the hopeless?
I don’t know who I am, but I know that this isn’t working.